Melodrama, hysterics and complete panic.

I hate to dampen the spirit of adventure that has lately been so rampant in this blog, but today just isn't one of those happy-go-lucky adventure days. It's more like one of those "oh-my-goodness-this-junk-is-scaring-the-living-bejeebers-out-of-me" sort of days.

I'm supposed to be out by the time school starts again. How am I supposed to find a place to live with no job? How am I supposed to get a job with no way to get there? I had planned to live in my truck - even for a little while until I found someplace else. But diagnosis dead truck means it's cheaper for me to get a whole new vehicle than to fix my poor little pickup. I don't know what to do now. I haven't got the money to fix it - or to get a new car!

It's quite nice how neatly my last job siphoned away what little savings I had for gas, barely managing to put anything back. In fact, it's still empty. And no matter how many applications I put in, I get no callbacks. No one seems to be hiring. Not even freaking Walmart will bother to hire me.

And, one might argue, I do have a job with the Journal when school starts. But I can't live off it, and how am I supposed to go to school when I've got no place to live? I had a dream last night that I was homeless, and I slept in the park. At the moment it just reflects my all too real fears about the not-too distant future.

I have about five weeks to find a job and a place to live. What if I can't do it? I'll have to withdraw from school. Either that or find a good bridge to sleep under. I can't go home. My parents can't support me, my mom just lost her job and my dad is on half-pay until he's fully trained. Besides, I can't get a job from there, either - it's why I stayed in town this summer. What a flop. I'm in the center ring of the despair circus. From promising student to destitute hobo in one summer. Just great.

It's possible I'm overreacting. I am well aware that I tend to worry things until I either make myself sick or whatever's worrying me goes away. It's possible that someday I'll look back on this and say, "you idiot, take it easy. It really wasn't that big of a deal!" But hindsight has that habit and foresight is blind, so I'd rather have the former than the latter.

Anyway. Enough of this pity parade. I just needed to spew a little worry so maybe some of it would get off my nerves and leave my stomach alone.

Happy days sometime later. Or maybe yesterday.
--Anna Grace

In which my truck dies again, and I get very wet.

So originally the plan was that after church, Ari would come home with me and when Ray (Ari's friend) called, I'd take him over there so Ari could get a ride to camp. What actually happened was that we realized we had to get to The Grind (a coffeehouse downtown) because some of Ari's stuff was there. So we packed up Ari's junk and some of my stuff (because it would've been a while before Ray called, and I didn't intend to waste gas going back and forth). I was planning on hanging out in the park and reading until Ray called, then taking Ari over there and heading home.

Again,what actually happened was a bit different. We got about a block away, and suddenly, my truck was no longer running. We weren't even stopped! The engine just quit running! So... we kinda pushed the truck into a ditch out of the way and started hiking. Ari called his buddy over at the Grind and he said his wife was on the way to come get us. Problem was, when he said "Westview" they thought he meant "Westview church" and not "Westview Drive." Westview Drive is a wee bit farther on. We were probably about two miles from the truck when Ari finally got April on the phone and corrected it. She came and picked us up.

So she trucked us over to the Grind and Ari collected his stuff. From there, we walked to the city park, sat and read for a little while. It was great. Then the sky started to get dark, and there began to be thunder. Ray's house was quite a ways away, so we packed up the books and started walking again. We figured he'd be back by the time we got there anyway. We were probably about halfway there when it started raining. It wasn't like Utah rain. It was more the kind of tropical downpour that I was used to in Honduras. Within two minutes, the gutters were raging river rapids and we had to wade through the floodwaters that cascaded across driveways. I couldn't even see because the rain was driving so hard into my face. So needless to say, we were pretty much soaked.

Even so, I was enjoying myself quite a bit. I do like the rain. The only thing I was really worried about was my books. They were getting a bit wet. Then another thing that I didn't realize, was that Ari was sticking out his thumb. So suddenly, this lady pulled over. Seriously... the water was just about swallowing her car. She said she'd take us to Ray's, so we hopped in the back. Stupid and dangerous as hitch-hiking is (which is why I'd told Ari NOT to stick out his thumb) I figured this lady was okay, because despite her purple hair, there were children in the back seat. If you're gonna murder someone, you don't do it in front of the kids, right?

So anyway, we hopped in the back. The back window had been smashed out of the car and as we were getting out at Ray's, I sliced my thumb open on some glass fragments that were still sticking to the edges. Ray had just arrived home, thankfully, and I tried to call Angie to see if she could come get me. Unfortunately, my phone had sustained a bit of water damage, and wasn't working really well. So Ray just gave me a ride back. I made faces at my pickup on the side of the road as we passed, and my phone dried out and was okay.

So it was a happy ending, except for the dead truck bit, and Ari and I both thoroughly enjoyed our excellent adventure.

Here's hoping I can get my truck towed and fixed!
--Anna Grace

It's about time...

My truck is finally up and running. Paul and I put in some long, hard hours today out in the boiling sun. And I can say with pride, that I didn't just sit and watch, I learned how to change a water pump, and helped do it. So next time, although I hope there won't be a next time, I can do it all by myself.

Anyway, the result is that my truck is now up and running, and sounding better than I've ever heard it. It purrs, now instead of roaring. I also find as a relsult, that I am a wee bit sunburnt. And very very tired.

So I'll be hitting the sack early tonight. Very early. Say... about after I'm done with this blog.

Good night!
--Anna Grace

New tradition - birthday goals.

I believe I'm going to begin taking a leaf from Kenzie's book in setting some kind of a birthday tradition. A bit more serious than choosing a song, though. I know... my birthday was yesterday, so I'm a bit late - but still. A lot of my thoughts lately have been centered around the differences between who I used to be, who I am, and who I someday hope to become. To borrow a line from Relient K, "who I am hates who I've been." And although I'm happy to say that most of that person has faded with time, I can't deny that there are parts of me that are still heavily influenced by the past - including the actions of both myself and others.

Therefore, I feel it's appropriate to choose two areas of my life that need improvement. One to do with how I correspond with others, and one to do with how I deal with myself. I think I'll do this every year, and choose topics that I want to improve on, to help me become the person I want to be.

The area that I've picked for dealing with myself is finances. Obviously, I'm poor as dirt. But the moment a spare bit of cash comes my way, I have a tendency to spend it on whatever suits my fancy. The phrase "money burning a hole in his/her pocket" happens to apply very well to me, unfortunately. I think I rather take after my father in that respect. So, I intend to:
a. Quit carrying cash on me, and put it all in the bank.
b. Pay tithe regularly instead of just when I have extra.
c. Spend money on necessities instead of fun stuff first.

The area that I've picked as pertaining with others is forgiveness. I'm not a particularly unforgiving person. Minor to moderate offenses are easily overlooked. However, there are two areas of my life - which I don't particularly enjoy discussing - about which I am far too bitter. Rather specific, I know, but my goal is to somehow learn to forgive - not forget - those offenses, and maybe somehow in the process, forgive myself for allowing them to happen.

Obviously, these two objectives aren't going to come easily. But that's why I'm giving myself a whole year to work on them. In the meantime, advice would be awesome... I'm kind of leaping off my known world hardcore, here...

Feeling quite deep tonight...
--Anna Grace

Happy Birthday! And whatnot... :)

It was, overall, a nice birthday. I woke up totally un-tired, because my sleep-function went nuts last night. Like... I was lying down to read a book (and ice-packing my stupid broken neck) at around six yesterday evening. Then, all of a sudden, it was morning. The ice pack (ice-cubes in a ziploc under a towel) had melted, and evidently popped, because everything (including me) was soaked in icy water.

Anyway, I worked in the afternoon, and it was actually fairly pleasant. I got to work with my own client for once. Who won't be much longer, because I won't be continuing at Turn. It's kind of depressing, really. Anyway.

While I was working, someone kept calling... and calling... and calling... And while I'm usually really good at ignoring calls, I finally gave in and answered, and politely declined a "happy birthday, can I buy you lunch (at 5 o'clock)" and secretly wished I knew how to put a block on certain phone numbers.

Then I went home for about ten minutes before going next door to Nathan's Bible study/Rock Band party. I kick trash on drums. Especially at the song "Maps" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Anyway, I am now thoroughly pooped, and since I have an equally demanding schedule tomorrow, I believe I shall turn in.

Hooray for being nineteen and eligible for Medicaid!
--Anna Grace

The good, the bad, and the... disconcerting...

So... okay. My day started off not so well. I had to take two of my clients to church. Which wouldn't have been bad. But they're LDS. I have to say that I have never sat through anything as horrible in my life as that "sacrament service." Firstly, I was the only female there not in a dress. I kinda did that on purpose, though, in the vain hope that they might kick me out for not wearing a dress. At the very least, I wanted them to know that I am not one of them.

The music was of a traditional sort, played on an organ, sung from a hymn book. But they weren't any hymns that I knew. I guess they made up their own... one of them was about the pioneers. Whatever. As for the people, every man wore a suit and every woman wore a dress. There was not a smile in the room. The people who got up to give their speeches often ended in tears. They talked about God like they were remembering some great, dead hero, thinking about what he would have wanted them to do. And I guess it fits, really. Their god is dead, and their church service is a funeral for him.

Everything is just so... cold and machine-like. The guy at the pulpit announced that a new couple had moved into town and was now attending the ward. He said the church had "received their records." What the heck kind of a church keeps records about its congregation?! The members also had to vote on whether or not the new couple could stay. Nice. Their prayers were dreary mono-tone recitations with plenty of "thees" and "thous" thrown in to give it "proper respect." Pah. I will never go back. Not even if it's my job. There is no way to describe how... twisted and unclean I felt after leaving that place. And downhearted. That is a place designed to crush a person's spirit into "proper feelings of unworthiness."

Anyway. After that, I went to my own church, which I enjoyed much more, and which went a lot way toward driving that sick feeling out of me. After church there was a picnic/bapetism at the lake. I went with the pastor's parents, who were in town visiting. We ate, did the bapetism thing, and then - the fun stuff. A few people in the church have boats, and these enormous inner-tube things to haul after them. The game is for a rider to hang onto that tube (which seats three) while the boat driver tries his darndest to knock that rider off the tube.

Ari was the champ. It took three tries for Joey to knock him loose, and even then, when the tube hit a huge wave, the thing was airborne about ten feet in the air for about five seconds and Ari still hung on. I did almost as good. I got knocked off twice. Once by waves that were too big to weather, and the next time when three of us were riding. That one hurt, 'cause we flipped and all kind of crashed together. My knee connected with Connor's head, and someone else's elbow hit my neck, and I wrenched my left arm fairly nicely trying to avoid colliding with Kelley's face.

I was actually wearing my jeans, because I hadn't known about the picnic, so I didn't know to bring swim-clothes. Joy loaned me a t-shirt, but I was still in my pants. Which I forgot to take the wallet out of before I went in. So naturally, the first time I came off the tube, I realized, "oh crap! My wallet's gone!" I grabbed the rope so I could be pulled back into the boat, and when I got to the boat, I spotted my wallet floating there! Crazy! Especially considering how big that lake is, how I could've lost it ANYWHERE, and how it blends into the water just enough that I just barely managed to see it...

But I've got it, now, and all my cards, certifacations, licenses and money for the chiropractor tomorrow are now drying out in my baseball cap. My favorite hat, by the way, which also went flying overboard today, and Ari managed to scoop it up out of the water.

Anyway. When we were done, I was (AM) thoroughly sore, and freezing to the bone. About then, it started to rain and thunder and lightening, so we packed everything up and went home. All in all, I should say, the latter half of the day was most satisfactory - and drove away all the horrid feelings from the former part of the day. On the downside, my poor little truck is still sitting in the corner with no water pump. Tomorrow, it'll have to be.

Until tomorrow!
--Anna Grace

Tough choices, hard lessons.

We're towing my truck back tonight sometime, and hopefully replacing the water pump. Mom got me a new one for a birthday present, and I'm borrowing her truck until either mine gets fixed or my neck straightens itself out. It's not too bad today, but it is tired. It's been a long day, in which several concepts have presented themselves to me.

Firstly, I was discussing with my friend June the misfortunes that have befallen me regarding my job. "Well," she said, "maybe it's God trying to tell you that you don't belong there." I don't know why, but that was sort of like a combination between a blinding shaft of light and a slap on the forehead, like "duh!" I don't know why, but somehow the idea that God might care where I work was astounding. But it makes sense, and enough people that I trust have been advising me to quit - my mom included. I can see the wisdom in trusting advice - not only from many sources - but from sources connected with God. If they can see His hand in this, maybe that's what it is.

I have already applied to work in several more places and intend to give notice as soon as possible. I don't already have another job lined up, and it seems a foolish thing to do for me to quit now, but I just can't afford to stay, for one thing. For another thing, if God wants me to quit this job, then it's my job to trust Him to line up another. Not that it means I quit looking...

As for other lessons, I think maybe I understand just a little bit of what God is trying to teach me at this point. Mom quoted me an old song yesterday, the main point of which was that the tougher times get, the more God is with you and the more he gives you strength. I guess sometimes it's a bit hard for me to see it. But lately, it has struck me what the strength he is giving me comes as. It's my friends and my family, who have been steady support through this whole mess. I know I'm a prideful person. I hate taking things that I know I'm never going to be able to pay back. But I'm being put in a situation that forces me to do just that. I think God's trying to tell me to relax and rely on Him, because I'll never be able to do it on my own. It's really a difficult thing for me to do and to learn.

I've always been able to see His hand in the lives of others. I can see it sustaining my parents, how somehow my mom manages to make ends meet - even when my dad had no job, and even now that my mom is about to not have one. I can see God guiding Bethany and Anna through choices about school and life. But it has nearly always been very difficult for me to find Him in my own life. But now I think I see a little bit better.

Seeing a bit clearer now...
--Anna Grace

And the long streak continues.

So I went to the chiropractor today to fix my broken neck. I don't remember what the doctor said was wrong with it. Something about how when a person's neck gets knocked out of line, the connected muscles go into spasms and don't quit. Anywho. He it usually takes anywhere from ten days to about two weeks to heal, but hopefully we can help it go quicker. So I'm going back Monday to get another adjustment. Anyway, he said no heavy lifting and I'm not supposed to drive anything without power-steering ('cause I told him what happened with my truck Tuesday).

So this time when I was going to work, I borrowed Angie's van. It has power-steering, and it tired me out a bit, but nowhere near where it did last time. Anyway. I got to work, and my boss said I can't use it to transport clients because my name isn't on the insurance policy, so I'm told I have to use my pickup. Fine. Whatever. I decided I'd just keep some ice-packs on hand.

So I got home, rested for an hour, and when it was time to go back and pick up my client, I headed off in my neck-murderer pickup, got almost to the highway... and died. The water pump in the pickup blew up. So... pretty much I had to call and say I couldn't make it and Joe and Jason came and picked me up. And pretty much that truck isn't moving until it gets a new water pump in it.

Anyway. Mom said she'll buy my a new water pump for my birthday, and in the meantime I'm borrowing her truck since she still has the Jeep. Also, if the poor little truck doesn't revive, I'm going to use mom's truck. I'm gonna go spend the day with mom tomorrow. I need some kind of a vacation before I curl up and die. Angie, Meghan, Haylee and I are camping out on the tramp tomorrow. We've decreed no jumping.

Oh, and one other bit of bad luck. Tovie was hit by a car this morning. He's okay, though. It mashed and gashed up his front leg pretty good, but the rest of him is okay. He's limping right good, though. It's just rotten that my streak of bad luck would even target my dog.

Am I at the bottom yet?
--Anna Grace

Long streak...

It seems that I've fallen into a good, long streak of bad luck. I've been taken off my second client at work and I've been unable to make contact with my first client to set up work days. Furthermore, when I do finally get some hours, somehow I always end up sick or hurting myself. Volunteer hours go great, though. Sort of.

I'd volunteered to help at the TURN booth at the Renaissance Faire. I got to dress up and all that fun stuff.
So I went to the Renaissance Faire, right? And earlier that morning, I'd just cashed my paycheck so I could put gas in my truck. Since I had to change into my costume (because I'm working a booth,) I put the rest of the money in my pants pocket, I put on the floor of my truck, out of sight. I locked the doors, but my truck's a bit old, and if you don't keep the handle lifted while you shut it, it doesn't lock. I must've forgotten that...
So anyway, I come back (less than an hour later) to find the drivers' side door unlocked and no money in my jeans pocket. I do the predictable thing - I freak out.


Later, however, I found the money - rather far from where I left it, underneath the passenger seat. I was relieved, if still tremendously shaken. I think maybe I came back at an opportune time and interrupted someone...

And then, my latest misfortune came in the form of a trampoline. Which normally, I'm quite good at. I've never ever hurt myself on a trampoline. But, alas, it seems there is a first time for everything. Monday we had a barbecue to celebrate Jeremy's birthday and Haylee's homecoming. Becky and I decided to bounce on the trampoline. I must have landed funny or something, because the next thing I know, there's pain shooting up my back and my neck and I can't move my head. Sharon (who is a nurse) felt it and said that I'd knocked two vertebrae out of line. Ouch.

So I spent the rest of the night on the couch, flat out, not moving. Yesterday was a bit better. I could at least get up and around. But then I had staff meeting last night - I had to go. So... I drove to staff meeting. Which turned out to be a humongous mistake, because all that turning my head around and yanking on the steering wheel (I don't have power steering) just about killed me.

Therefore, I've spent my day today flat out in bed with an ice-pack under my neck. I have a chiropractor's appointment tomorrow, but I'm $20 short, and no one here has it to loan it to me. I work every day next week, starting Saturday. I have to work tomorrow, too. I just don't know what I'm gonna do if I can't get over this right quick. If just driving puts me all out of sorts, I'm pretty much screwed next week. But if I don't work...

I very much dislike Catch-22 situations. Now I think I need to re-fill my ice pack and get some lunch before going back to napping.


Looking forward to a better future...
--Anna Grace

The element of surprise...

Surprising, but finally I was able to get in some hours this weekend. It's hard work! Well... hard some of the time, and not really at others. I can't really say a lot about it, since there are privacy laws and whatnot. But this sort of stuff doesn't really need a privacy law... Anyway. I get paid on the tenth. And my gas should last that long. Most of my first paycheck will be going to pay off outstanding debt. Thanks, gas prices. :(

Anyway, my fourth of July was pretty good. But I wound up getting pretty sick. And in fact, am still not feeling quite normal. One of my spider bites is nearly gone, though.

Anyway... I'm super tired now... I think I shall take a nap before I go to bed.