Tough choices, hard lessons.

We're towing my truck back tonight sometime, and hopefully replacing the water pump. Mom got me a new one for a birthday present, and I'm borrowing her truck until either mine gets fixed or my neck straightens itself out. It's not too bad today, but it is tired. It's been a long day, in which several concepts have presented themselves to me.

Firstly, I was discussing with my friend June the misfortunes that have befallen me regarding my job. "Well," she said, "maybe it's God trying to tell you that you don't belong there." I don't know why, but that was sort of like a combination between a blinding shaft of light and a slap on the forehead, like "duh!" I don't know why, but somehow the idea that God might care where I work was astounding. But it makes sense, and enough people that I trust have been advising me to quit - my mom included. I can see the wisdom in trusting advice - not only from many sources - but from sources connected with God. If they can see His hand in this, maybe that's what it is.

I have already applied to work in several more places and intend to give notice as soon as possible. I don't already have another job lined up, and it seems a foolish thing to do for me to quit now, but I just can't afford to stay, for one thing. For another thing, if God wants me to quit this job, then it's my job to trust Him to line up another. Not that it means I quit looking...

As for other lessons, I think maybe I understand just a little bit of what God is trying to teach me at this point. Mom quoted me an old song yesterday, the main point of which was that the tougher times get, the more God is with you and the more he gives you strength. I guess sometimes it's a bit hard for me to see it. But lately, it has struck me what the strength he is giving me comes as. It's my friends and my family, who have been steady support through this whole mess. I know I'm a prideful person. I hate taking things that I know I'm never going to be able to pay back. But I'm being put in a situation that forces me to do just that. I think God's trying to tell me to relax and rely on Him, because I'll never be able to do it on my own. It's really a difficult thing for me to do and to learn.

I've always been able to see His hand in the lives of others. I can see it sustaining my parents, how somehow my mom manages to make ends meet - even when my dad had no job, and even now that my mom is about to not have one. I can see God guiding Bethany and Anna through choices about school and life. But it has nearly always been very difficult for me to find Him in my own life. But now I think I see a little bit better.

Seeing a bit clearer now...
--Anna Grace